Jack and Libby

Nothing better than a lazy Sunday morning and catnip!

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Life as I Know It Today

I was just rereading some old posts of mine. Some are as if someone else wrote them. Some are just unfamiliar period.

It's been a year since Dan's back surgery. It has been difficult and in many ways it is easier now than before and some days are even more difficult than before. Dan gets depressed. I get depressed. I know the girls are troubled at times.

I don't see this as being the way the rest of my life will be. With no passion. With anger. With depression. I choose to be a happy person. How do I continue with my life? I have done my part. I do deserve some happiness. I deserve some peace and quiet. I am conflicted.

Dan is better. He can take care of his daily needs. He can't work. He can't drive. He dreams of driving. He dreamed he was sleeping in his work clothes. He wakes thinking that he has a load to deliver.

I go through my daily routine. I work. I grocery shop. I'm buying Christmas presents. I know what I have to do for me.

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Sunday in October

It has been such a long time since I checked in daily with my blog. So much has happened. Where do I begin? I rarely think of blogging.

Dan is much improved. His back is not his main problem anymore. The diabetes is controlled. The neuropathy is his "new norm". Disability has been filed and the long wait is over. The application was approved and that stress is over. I am grateful.

Danielle is still in school. Stef is still gainfully employed. The cats are good.

Today is beautiful. And I appreciate it. There can't be many more days like this. Fall is so short. I should be happier than I am.

What Exactly Does a 6,190 Calorie Lunch Do to Your Body? - The World Newser

What Exactly Does a 6,190 Calorie Lunch Do to Your Body? - The World Newser

I am so Cool!

I have gotten too cool here. While I was taking an unplanned vacation from blogging I got a new phone. Now I am blogging from my Blogger app. Where was this technology when I was young and uncool?

I think I am back in the saddle again. I might. be back from that unplanned vacation......

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Oatmeal Bath

Yesterday at lunchtime I was driving from our satellite office to our main office in Southfield. I decided to "treat" myself and stop at Speedway to get a large fountain drink. I like to get them there because I can get a jumbo Diet Pepsi and then add my own choice of syrups to give it more flavor (and calories). This is a game I play with myself when I really don't want to go to Southfield for a nasty, busy afternoon at work. Somehow, I think if I have a large drink my day will go better and I will be happier.

I park, open my car door, and jump out of the car. My forgotten cell phone falls out and lands in a snowbank. Ughhhhh! I grab it and quickly try to dry it off and stick it back into my coat pocket and forgot all about it until after my drive I try and make a call. The phone doesn't work! I can text but no talk. I am lost. I neeeeeed my phone.

I take out the battery. I dry it off. I leave it in my locker thinking that later on this afternoon it will work. Not so.

I go online and Google "I got my phone wet". I couldn't believe the amount of people that drop their phones in the toilet. It seems everyone does that. I don't feel so bad cuz mine just hit the snowbank not poop and pee. The advice was always, "Put the phone in rice and leave it for a few days". I had it in salt all evening but it still didn't work. I didn't really have a bunch of rice lying around and I had heard somewhere that salt did the same thing. When I went to bed last night I left the battery and phone in a container of oatmeal.

I realized from this experience just how sadly dependant I am on my little phone. I go everywhere with it. I take it upstairs to bed. I take it to work. I take it into the bathroom to take a shower. I don't drop it in the toilet.

This morning I took the parts out of the oatmeal and put it back together. It just felt so right in my hand. The poor case is chipped and scratched. My life is in this little phone. I don't even know Stefanie's number. It is in my phone. So I look at my contacts and I pick "Capital One" and hit send. I hear it ringing. It is a miracle. I am back in business. And I owe it all to oatmeal. I start every morning with oatmeal, especially this morning.

Gonna Take Some Time But.......

I am sitting here typing away like old times. Not. But I am trying to do something normal so I can feel normal. Maybe that doesn't make sense but I felt the need to do something that I used to do before life became different.

Dan is doing better. Today while I was at work trying not to think about what he was doing, he got up, showered, dressed, and came downstairs and found something to eat all by himself. That may not sound like much but he was so exhausted after that exertion that I found him sleeping in the recliner hours later.

Back surgery is not for the faint of heart for sure. No wonder I remember my dad saying, "Never have back surgery". He wasn't kidding however Dan had no choice and so I know (and he knows) that he did the right thing. So tomorrow I will go back to work and try not to think about what he is doing on his own.

Just a New Chapter In My Life

Wow where has the time gone? Thanksgiving has come and gone. Christmas is over. I haven't posted in over a month. I am behind on reading my favorite blogs. One of my followers has passed away. Life has continued and I am missing it.

I have no time for the gym. I have no time for myself. I don't get more than 2 or 3 hours of sleep at a time. Dan spent 11 nights in the hospital and 20 nights in rehab. Now he is home.

I check blood sugars twice a day. I enforce regular mealtimes despite Dan's protestations of not being hungry. I am keeping a log of blood sugars and will call them in weekly. I keep a schedule in my head of pain meds and keep in touch with the back surgeon's office and the PCP's office. Yesterday I made 2 trips to the pharmacy and had to talk to an on-call physician regarding meds that were supposed to be called in but weren't. Life is difficult and different.

We are now going to try and eliminate the drugs that are making him so sleepy that he not only doesn't want to get out of bed, he can't walk safely to the bathroom alone. I jump up constantly day and night to make that walk to the potty so he doesn't fall.

All this said, Dan's surgery looks perfect. He is healing well. Now for the hard part.......feeling better and getting stronger. I wish to thank everyone for the good wishes and the concern. Life will return to normal and so will we.

Unoffical Holiday

When I was a kid and my mother was struggling with Multiple Sclerosis I remember her having days where she was teary eyed and sad. When I would ask her what was wrong she would say to me that it was "Feel Sorry For Virginia Day". The next day things were back to normal and we went on with our life. She knew she couldn't dwell on life's complications and waste her precious time feeling sorry for herself. Hopefully I learned from that example.

Today isn't marked on the calendar but it is officially "Feel Sorry For Janet Day". I am celebrating by myself and then I will fold some laundry and run to the store for green beans and my Sunday paper.

Dan spent his third night in the hospital after his back surgery. I think he is doing OK but his legs are very weak and I am worried about dealing with the home situation. Meanwhile he is anxious to come home to recuperate. I am so afraid he will fall. He doesn't want to go to rehab. He also won't eat if I'm not at the hospital ordering his food.

I'm glad this holiday doesn't come around often.

Yes We Have One More Day

Today we call the hospital for the arrival time for tomorrow's surgery. We were already told it might be 530 am. No sleep for us as Dan plans on staying up all night so he will be ready on time.

Last night as Dan was heading for the stairs to go to bed, I told him, "You know you are driving us crazy". He replied, "I'm driving myself crazy". Hmmmmm. That's interesting.

He crawled up the stairs on his hands and knees with me pushing from behind. This will be the last time until the surgery. Life has become interesting. Not good. Just interesting. Challenging for sure.

We actually slept last night. I'm sure Stefanie slept also as Dan wasn't up all night walking around bumping into things and stomping his numb feet. Danielle wasn't taking any chances as she didn't come home.

Off to work I go for my last day. Dan will sleep in as he isn't going anywhere today.

Two Days to Go

I actually slept last night. Of course Dan woke me up a few times. My head shot off the pillow but I heard nothing for a nano second and exhaustion took over and I fell back to sleep.

Danielle was not so lucky and she yelled downstairs at us this morning to be quiet. It wouldn't be so bad if he slept at night while the rest of us are desparately trying to get some tidbits of sleep. No, he roams around all night, bumping into things, stomping his numb feet so he doesn't fall and basically makes us all miserable. Water boarding would be nothing compared to this torture.

Well off to work for the day. Dan will nap in the recliner while the rest of us try to function. Thank heaven for hot coffee. Two more days until the back surgery. Hopefully the hospital will turn him around and he will sleep at night so the rest of us can too.

Three Days to Go

I think part of my problem with this countdown of days is the constant cooking. I am not used to Dan being home so much and he is used to being able to belly up to the food bar whenever he wanted to at his favorite truckstops across the country.

We barely finish one meal and he is talking about the next meal. And the shopping and the planning. I want out! Help! I need sleep. And who knows when I am going to get that night's sleep. I am a whiner. Officially. I said it. Three more days.

Four Days To Go

I get up this morning and come dowmstairs for coffee. Dan is in the recliner in front of the TV. I take a sip of my coffee and Dan proclaims, "When you are done here, I will let you know what I want for breakfast."

I offer up eggs and toast. He says, "No. I want a big salad".

I visualize chopping vegetables with one eye as I wasn't properly caffienated yet. It takes two big mugs of coffee to get both eyes open.

This is going to be a long week.

Five More Days

Five more days until Dan's surgery. On Thursday we went to Dan's primary doctor and got the EKG and the official "blessing" from that doctor to go ahead with the surgery. Dan finally understands he cannot take any Ibuprofen until after the surgery. When his doctor explained why, he merely sat and nodded and said, "Oh, I didn't know that". When I had explained it, he said, "I don't care! I need it"!

It is going to be a long 5 days. Dan's days and nights are turned around. I need a good night's sleep. So do the girls. Danielle yelled at me this morning as she was headed out for her volunteer work with "Habitat For Humanity" and then work after that. Dan's voice is loud and our walls are paper thin evidently. Dan doesn't understand how his voice carries and when I remind him, he gets mad at me. So Danielle blames me and so does he. Five more days......

I Have Won 2 Battles But The War Isn't Over Yet

This caretaking thing wouldn't be so bad if we didn't have to fight about everything. I say, "Your feet are swelling. You should put your feet up. You are sitting in a recliner you know".

He replies, "I don't want to".

I reply, "People with swollen feet don't have a choice. Now RECLINE Damn it"!

The next day, I say casually, "We need to get a stool for the shower so you can sit and use the attachment to rinse off".

Husband replies, "I don't want a stool. I want my back FIXED"!

I say, "I know you do but for now we need a stool for the shower".

After a fun-filled afternoon of the husband going in and out of the shower to rest/soap up/rest/rinse off he admits we need a stool for the shower.

Wish I had thought of that.

Uncharted Waters

Dan is officially at home now. We cleaned out his truck last Friday night. It was not fun. I knew this day was coming but that didn't make it any easier. I drove there after work and packed up my car in the dark and in the pouring rain and we came home. We had a late dinner at his favorite Grand Rapids restaurant, Arnie's. That was the only pleasant aspect of the evening.

This past week he has spent much of his time sitting in the recliner in the living room. Getting upstairs is "like climbing Mount Everest" to put it lightly. His back surgery is set for November 19th. I am looking forward to it.

I feel like we are entering a new phase of our lives. We are entering into "uncharted waters" and I don't like it. No one asked me what I like. No one asked Dan. I didn't want to end the last chapter.

I am afraid to spend any money as we don't know how this is even possible financially. He has no disability money to look forward to. I even asked the Physician Assistant yesterday at our appointment if we should just file now for permanent disability and he told me not to. We need to do the surgery first and then evaluate. I pay my mortgage with what? I am thankful I don't have a car payment. I can only stretch meals so far. Four people eat a lot of food. Four cats eat a lot of cat food and don't even get me started on the amount of cat litter they use!

I am taking this new chapter day by day. That is all anyone can do. When I think of Christmas coming and Stefanie's birthday on it's way, I get a scared feeling in my veins. I know the girls are not children waiting on Santa but still,,,,I don't want to totally disappoint them. And I do know they can take disappointment.

Well, off to the grocery store. I have my list, my coupons, and my returnables. Life will be good again.

October

October makes me think of many things, some happy things and some sad. My dad died in October. I think of taking the kids trick-or-treating when they were little. I think of how excited they were for Halloween parties. We used to always go to the cider mills and buy warm donuts and ice cold cider. I love October for many reasons. I remember raking leaves into the street as a child and jumping in them. I remember the smell of burning leaves. I can't believe they let me as a small child light the match and they were in the house....Times have changed.

Every October Danielle remembers a friend that died. It has been 9 years. He was good looking, 16 and popular. And he was murdered. The town mourned. Things like that didn't happen here. This is the story written by Mitch Albom. A friend of Danielle's had posted it on Facebook for anyone from New Baltimore to remember. I remember coming home from work at night and seeing Danielle on TV in the funeral procession walking to the cemetary from the church. I saw her in her Varsity Dance Uniform dancing at the soccer game. I saw her grieve. And every evening she and I went over and over the situation. What do you tell your grieving child to make her feel better? Years later she still questions what happened and why. It will never make sense and it will never be explained. Here is Mitch's article....A Bullet's impact. I know it is long but it is a really good article.

Should Be An Interesting Weekend For The Rowley Family

It is going to be a Rowley family weekend. Dan's niece is getting married in Indianapolis on Saturday. Grandma is coming up from Florida. Danielle and her boyfriend are driving down on Friday. Stef and I are bringing up the rear and leaving on Saturday morning.

We arranged for a cat sitter for Saturday night and we will be back home on Sunday. Dan can't go as he is out and about in his truck. He is in too much pain for a family celebration anyway.

The girls both bought new dresses. I'm wearing one from last year but it has only been worn once so it's like new to me. Besides no one will be looking at me anyway.

Hope this weekend goes well. Hope we all have fun and I hope they live happily ever after.....

Thank You Carolyn

Fw: At last!
Originally uploaded by jntrowley

This isn't the post I thought I was going to do today. Funny how that works sometimes. I had planned on detailing my Friday goings on and how I went to the gym after work and how it rained all day and was cold and ugly. Stefanie and I went out for comfort food for a late dinner (patty melt from a family restaurant where you get a lot of food for not much money) and then I got the call from Dan.......in southern Virginia in his semi on a dirt road, overlooking a precipiece, in the dark, can't turn around, can't see how to get out from where he had gotten himself stuck,,,all because he thought he would try and find a Chinese restaurant with a driver he had just met. The other driver went on through and Dan couldn't.......

Instead I get an email from the long lost Carolyn my friend that I was able to reconnect with recently and she had forwarded me a picture from our lunch this summer in Fort Wayne. This is it!!!!

I am in the back row (where all tall girls went in grade school when any picture was taken) in the pink shirt. Carolyn is in the front row in the blue button down shirt. To the right of her in red is Jana (we have been friends since before kindergarten). Diana is the one on the right in the first row. I have known her since kindergarten. She is the one that told me the facts of life. But then she told me that it wasn't true and not to believe it. I believed her. Both versions.

This one get-together this summer gave me a much needed respite from my life at a much needed time. I was so grateful these people included me for a couple of hours and I got to relive a more carefree time. Many of these people in the picture have serious health issues . One has Multiple Sclerosis. Some have had cancer. For this one afternoon we just shared our thoughts and hashed over some good old times and ate.

Thank you Carolyn. Thanks Jana and Diana and Debbie. Thank you taking the picture Kathy (You look great by the way). Thank you to Joan for orchestrating the whole thing.

I hope I get to see everyone next summer at our high school reunion.

I Think I Have Lost My Identity????

OK so I still know who I am I think but I had to go to a new hair stylist and she works a bit differently than my last girl. She washes the hair, cuts the hair, straightens curly unruly hair (that's me) and then cuts it again. And you are done. Out the door with straight hair. When I left the salon I swear I didn't even recognize me in the rear view mirror. My daughters liked it. Dan liked it. My co-workers liked it.....

What is really funny is that I can actually do it myself and it looks OK. Not me but OK.

Even funnier, today I just did the old usual thing with my hair. I washed it, dried it with the diffuser like I used to. I put some gel in it and scrunched. Like old times. However, it looked awful. Not the old me. Not the new me. Who is me?